HOW TO RESPOND WHEN SOMEONE TELLS YOU THEY’RE SUICIDAL
It is scary and very concerning when a family member, loved one, or friend confides in you that they have been thinking of, or are actively contemplating suicide. Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US. In 2017, 47,173 Americans died by suicide. That same year, there were an estimated 1,400,000 suicide attempts. This means, it is very plausible that you may know someone who has dealt with, or is currently struggling with thoughts of suicide. In the two sections below we will consider the ways we as family members, loved ones, and friends can respond, in that initial moment, when someone tells us they are suicidal and then how to support them in the following moments.
INITIAL RESPONSE
Consider the very moment after someone has told you their thoughts around suicide, your initial response. Some of us hold very strong feelings and opinions about suicide and self-harm. Some of these feelings are born out of painful personal experiences, some from experiences of seeing someone use threats of suicide as an unhealthy means to getting their needs met. Some carry feelings steeped in philosophical or religious views. Despite our feelings, beliefs, and experiences, we must always respond with love, empathy, and concern. This can mean life or death, it is not a time to call someone’s bluff. Focus on empathy for this person. In order for us to be present in a way that is constructive, it is helpful to first take a slow, deep breath. While taking a pause, think about how hard this must have been for them to reveal to you. Taking that time to check in with yourself and channel a more emotionally supportive mindset. Then offer a reflective and grateful response in a non-judgmental tone. Allowing them to feel heard. A supportive, loving, empathetic first response can sound something similar to these examples:
“I’m so sorry that you are feeling that way, thank you for sharing this with me, I’m sure that wasn’t easy.”
“You sound like you are suffering so badly that you are thinking about ending it all, that sounds like a terrible place to be, I’m sorry.”
“I can’t imagine what you must be going through, it seems as though you are hurting in a very deep way.”
There are circumstances and complicated relationships that are more nuanced than discussed in this post. It is highly recommended to consult with a mental health professional when behavioral concerns and/or patterns of self-harm or suicidal threats arise.
“being” with them
What we do next is important. When we are confronted with someone we love who is hurting, our natural instinct is to “fix” or “bandage” them up. Our minds are set to overdrive trying to find the right words to say to help “fix” their depression, pain, or feelings of overwhelming despair. It is important to withhold these reflexes and tendencies. If you have not been educated or trained to treat these situations, it is highly recommended to avoid engaging in mental health/crisis counseling. The best thing for a family member, friend, or loved one to do, is to be with that person. “Being” in these instance is both a physical and an emotional state. It is physically being near them and being emotionally available.
What it looks like:
sitting in supportive (sometimes uncomfortable) silence with them
hugging or rubbing their back (appropriate to your relationship)
allowing them to cry
offering words of validation, empathy and love
giving them control by asking them what they would like to do, then doing it with them.
What it does NOT look like:
taking control of the conversation
telling jokes to try and make them laugh to lighten the mood (unless directed otherwise by them)
lecturing on how to be happy or giving motivational speeches
sharing thoughts on how they can cheer up
leaving them without any support persons or loved ones nearby
It is important to note that we as loved ones and friends are not mental health professionals, we are their social and emotional support system. Providing validation and help, by “being” with them, is our best way to show our love and support. When we attempt to provide counseling to our friends and family who are in need, it can be just as destructive and misguided as an accountant attempting to perform a root canal. When the time feels appropriate, gently suggesting they seek help from a mental health professional is strongly recommended.
For more information about suicide prevention, risk factors, and warning signs, click here and here.
San Diego and National Crisis & Suicide Resources:
San Diego Access and Crisis line: 888-724-7240
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 800-273-8255
Crisis Text line: Text “HOME” to 741741
California Youth Crisis Line: 1-800-843-5200
Call 9-1-1 Emergency Services
